Completely Unoriginal Fanfiction
by IlluminaughtyConfirmed
Summary: So yeah, I'm back again with a new fanfiction, a Harry Potter one again. So the same basic premise you see in most Harry Potter fanfiction, Harry and Hermione are going out on a date. So yeah, that's about it. Oh and bad jokes, very bad jokes. Rated M just in case, but T for language is mostly what it is.


**So guys, I'm back again. This time, as you can probably see from the title, I'm writing a Harry Potter fanfiction. Hopefully it won't spiral into permanent hiatus like I think it probably will.**

**I have an idea of where to take this but it'll be awhile I think before I can get everything set up correctly so expect these chapters to come less often then my Gravity Falls fic.**

**Also, speaking of that, I am working on the next chapter for the Gravity Falls fic and this is more of a side project, you'll still get to see Dipper and Pacifica work out a possible relationship and I'm also working on trying to get a chapter to at least 2,000 words, it's a goal and I've done it before, just not with a fanfic so I'll need time, inspiration, and Mountain Dew. I have the first and the third and the second just takes a lot of the first.**

**Also canon doesn't really apply in this fanfic, or I doubt it'll apply given what I'm writing about, or maybe I'll use it to advance the plot. And also about half of this is kind of them talking to themselves and it's mostly to get across exactly what they're feeling, and for some bad attempts at getting a laugh out of you all, so a lot of this you can probably skip sorry.**

**And I need to cut myself off from rambling and I'm hoping this will work out, and sorry in advance if this turns into hiatus.**

**-IC**

**Harry Potter: Completely Unoriginal Fanfiction  
**

**Chapter 1:** Bad Puns And... That's About It

I run around my dorm, trying to find something to distract myself from what I just did, otherwise I feel I'll explode. I just asked Harry out on a date and I'm going to collapse if I keep this up. Alright Hermione, stop. Rationalize, it fixes everything. So I'm going on a date with Harry Potter, my best friend of 4 years. Alright, that's not to hard to understand, good. Now, where are you going with him. Well he said we'd stop by the Three Broomsticks for some butterbeers and then we'd go out to a special location. Ok, and what could that place be? Well we might go to Madam Puddifoot's. No, that place is too tacky and fake for Harry, he wouldn't take me there. Would he? Ugh, this is too hard, just thinking about this is making me think of him, his black hair, his green eyes, the way he smiles when- No Hermione stop you're going to do something dumb, now the date is tomorrow, you've been thinking and rationalizing this to it's death for a day and a half now, you could take a leaf out of Ron's book and just let it happen, go with the flow, all of that stuff. You've also been avoiding Harry since he asked and you managed to stutter out a yes, Hermione you're better than this. Now stop thinking to yourself and go talk to the boy you like. You're going on the date and you're going to be great because you are freaking Hermione Jean Granger. Now, Charms is next and that's the last class of the day, so start walking, good, now go into class and sit next to Harry, between him and Ron if you have too, make sure he knows that the date is still on.

Alright Potter you're smart, or smart enough at least. This date is nothing to worry about. Oh God why did I ask her? She clearly was surprised at the proposition. It just slipped out... I don't regret it. Well of course you don't regret it, you're going on a date with Hermione, your best girlfriend. I mean girl friend. Well- Ok shut up and focus. Alright she's coming in, she was lagging behind. Now she hasn't been talking to me. Does she not like me? Has this destroyed our friendship? Harry. Stop. Worrying won't fix anything. Now think, you're going to take her to the Three Broomsticks and get some butterbeers, that might help you freaking relax enough to talk to her. Now she's sitting next to you. Alright focus, relax, now speak.

"Hey Hermione" Great really original.

"Hey Harry, did you finish your homework" Barely, I spent most of the night stressing over the date.

"Yeah, it was pretty easy" It was not, what are you trying to suck up to her now? She knows you and how homework is not your strong suit.

"Same for me, so where's Ron?" Shit I forgot to tell her.

"He's out, some kind of nosebleed that won't stop" And he isn't here to break the tension. Great.

"Oh, I hope he gets better" I hope a pair of twins finds out the antidote before choosing another test subject. I told him it wasn't worth a galleon to eat it.

"Me too" He brought it on himself.

"Alright class, today we'll be learning the summoning charm" Professor Flitwick's voice echoed around the class from his position on the stack of books.

Ok you're next to him. He's talking now, now respond.

"Hey Harry, did you finish your homework" Yeah great idea Hermione, you want to date this guy and all you can talk about is work.

"Yeah, it was pretty easy" That's surprising, has Harry been studying more? I don't know- Hermione respond!

"Same for me," Quick change the subject, "so where's Ron?" No don't bring him up, this should be about you and Harry, too late.

"He's out, some kind of nosebleed that won't stop" That sounds bad, but he was probably trying to get at Malfoy with his brothers and a prank went wrong.

"Oh, I hope he gets better" Given what the twins have done before, he probably messed it up himself.

"Me too" Oh, maybe I'm wrong, did he get sick? Is it some kind of disease?

"Alright class, today we'll be learning the summoning charm" Professor Flitwick's voice echoed around the class from his position on the stack of books.

Oh God Potter you are so lucky Hermione taught you this spell already. So I move my wand like this and say the words and... Yes the pillow comes flying at me. I catch it and turn to Hermione with a grin. She returns it and I'm managing to relax. Ok talk and talk, anything and everything, keep a conversation going and you might just make it through this class and to the date without embarrassing yourself. Oh yeah, that'll be good, manage to make it that long and then trip over a flobberworm or something and break your nose. Alright, deep breaths. Now don't try to show off, just move the wand and say the spell. Done and... The wrong pillow flies into my hand, one that had been tossed in the air and now I've succeeded at something I wasn't trying to do. Ok now you have to make some explanation.

"I guess I've just been practicing" I have not been practicing, unless the summoning of my Firebolt or summoning quills so I don't have to leave my bed is practicing.

"That was spectacular Harry" She's smiling, and... And now she's hugging me, and now I'm hugging her back... What do I do now? What the actual fuck do I do now?

Good, a spell you know, you even taught it to Harry. Those times were great, 3 afternoons all to him and I. They'd talked and laughed for hours while she taught him the spell, and he had been spectacular in the first round against the dragon. Hermione focus, he just summoned a pillow, clearly he still knows it. He's smiling, I smile back. I think I'm starting to calm down and that's good. Alright now I think I'm gonna just start talking about anything that comes to mind. No you need to talk about the date and how you like him. Nope nothing else to talk about at all. Am I really doing this, deliberately ignoring myself? Nothing important to say at all. Oh my god, he just summoned that pillow out of the air. I'm starting to think he's been practicing this spell.

"I guess I've just been practicing" Oh he did, that's so great.

"That was spectacular Harry" Did he do that to impress me, probably not, he most likely did it just because it's a useful spell. But he did study more, he might be doing it for me. That's great if it's true, I just- Hermione what are you doing? What? Hermione you're hugging him. And? And that's bad. Why? I... It's bad because... It's bad because why? And he is hugging me back after all, so what's the harm? Because it's public, that's one reason. It's fine, if Harry is fine with it than I'd be ok with any relationship going public, and if he isn't than we could just claim it was a chaste hug, one between friends. My point isn't what other people think, my point is that the moment this class ends people are going to talk and then that damn reporter Rita Skeeter is going to find out and make this relationship seem horrible, you've read her articles. Right... And you know the longer this goes on the more any of your protests will be ignored, and we don't know if Harry wants this to go public. You're right, I pull away from Harry and look down determinedly. My eyes flicker up occasionally and see how some of the students had seen us and a few were talking to others while keeping an eye on us. I look up at Harry and he seems, for the first time today, nervous.

Potter, how did you fuck this up? I don't know, I hugged her, and everything seemed to be going great. So what was it then? Maybe I hugged her to hard? Don't be an idiot, what do you actually think? I think it might be that she doesn't like me, and the hug was just a friendly hug, and I thought it was a different kind of hug. You're going to have to accept that she might have agreed just to be nice, now granted it may be that she has a thing for you, like you do for her, though admittedly her 'thing' probably isn't a dick. Really? Bad puns aside you're going to have to be ready for either way, she not liking you like that, or worse, she does like you. And how is that worse? You are famous, keep that firmly in your head when I tell you that women would probably pay you to fuck/marry them, or when you're older at least, she'll receive quite a lot of shit if this gets out, especially if it gets out the wrong way. Well we could always- And you're going to have to deal with having a girlfriend and taking her on dates, do you think you can do that? Well I- And eventually, if your relationship lasts that long, you might end up doing sexual stuff with her, can you handle that? I don't... I don't know. Of course you don't, you're 14 years old. You're rather mean spirited aren't you. In my very logical mind I can say... Yes I am very mean spirited, cynical too. Well what do we do now? Don't talk, you'll only make it worse, and awkward silence is better than an awkward one sided conversation, or even worse, an awkward conversation that neither of you is willing to stop until someone or something else stops you. Fine, also, all logical personality, what should I do about the golden egg thingy that I got from the first round, got any ideas for that? Nope, you know nothing about it so I can't really say. Great, but I really should say something. No you shouldn't.

"Hermione," Bad! "I-"

"Students class is over, please do whatever you want as long as it isn't against the rules or in my classroom" I like him, never mind- Bad Potter! Don't talk to her.

"Well I gotta go uh- visit Ron" You dumb ass.

"Ok, tell him I said, er hello" See, awkward all around, now go visit Ron you festering pile of pubescent feces. Jesus can you shut your mouth, or at least lower the cursing. No, you've messed up now and I dislike that, now leave now, take a step, good, now go be a good boy and visit Ron. Prickhead. Bastard.

What did I do wrong? What do you mean? He clearly really wanted to leave, anyone could tell from his speech, should I have kept up the hug, or said something? Hermione you did the best you could, whatever reason he had for leaving was because of him alone, now let's finish up our homework and then get a good night's sleep, maybe you could even put your hair up, you got that Sleakeazzy stuff from Hogsmeade in your last trip, you would look gorgeous. Yeah, I guess you're right. I tell the Fat Lady the password and climb through the hole, walking to my desk and sitting down with an ink and quill and a stack of papers and books. Let's get started.

Potter you made it out of that situation well enough, now let's see how Ron is doing, you really should check on him, see if they've found a cure for the twins' nosebleed nougat. Sure, it's not like we have anything else to do, like homework, or maybe talking to Hermione and trying to mend fences. I wonder if we could sell the antidote to the twins if we get there first. I internally sigh and keep on walking, waiting for a staircase to move into position and then keep on walking. Is there a reason you narrate everything you do like this? I ignore the scumbag in my head and keep on walking to the hospital wing. I guess not.

"Ron you look like shit" Well anyone who spends time here is likely to, you did in first, second, and third year.

"Yeah, I have to take this potion every few hours to make sure I don't run out of blood, and Madam Pomfrey put a spell on my nose that's closed it up and every few hours she has to come in here and open it up to let the buildup run out." Wow that's a lot of work and specialized spells.

"Too much information" It really was, yet not enough. What? A spell that closes off the nose? Combine that with a spell that will keep a person's mouth closed and you have instant knocking out, now answer him.

"Yeah, it makes it a bitch to breathe though, mouth only" Good boy. Shut up.

"Yeah, that must suck, and she hasn't found a cure yet?" Good, that way we might still have a chance for profits if George and Fred haven't gotten it yet. Shut up. Never.

"No, she thinks it might just wear off," Noooooo! Why did you stretch that out? Drama. "and I told her someone hit me with a spell when I wasn't looking and then the blood started coming out, but I don't think she believes me." Well that makes sense, I mean it would probably have to hit your nose and then how would you not see it coming, that's not a very well thought out lie. He was probably under pressure and hadn't thought of one yet. Even more so, you should be prepared with a lie at all times. Really, and you have a lie for every situation? Not every situation, but the moment something happens I think of somewhere else you could be or something else you could be doing? And the fact that you've never once mentioned one of these lies to me is? Because they're my lies, and mostly for show, and plus I'm not one to help you in your problems. Yeah because you only make them worse. Bastard. Prickhead.

"Well I wouldn't recommend outing Fred and George, they're a lot worse than Madam Pomfrey, and they won't heal you after either" And they wouldn't even buy him dinner first. Not funny. You gotta admit it was kind of good. Not funny. Fine fine I'll go down on the jokes, LIKE HERMIONE GOES DOWN ON ME. Really, you're going there? Yes.

"Good point" Of course it is, and they wouldn't even wear protec- Shut the fuck up or I will rip you out of my mind and feed you to Fluffy.

"By the way Hermione says hey" That's not the- One more fucking joke, just one more!

"Cool, tell her I say hey too, so how do you think your guys' date will go?" Perfectly fine, except for you failing in some easily avoided way, most likely it'll go that way. *deep growling*. How the flying fuck did you say *... And plus that wasn't a joke, it was a prediction.

"I don't know, and er, can I tell you something?" What, you're going to get romantic advice from Ron?

"Sure, you can tell me anything" Except that dream you had last week about Hermione and Ginny OHHHH. You have driven me to ignoring you, I won't be responding to your jokes, commands, or anything you say until you stop making these bad jokes. What, really? … Oh come on, fine I'm sorry, I'll tone down the jokes. Are you sure you will? Positive, I'll still make them, but in my head instead of yours. ...What? That was... I honestly don't know what I said, but ask him about your problem with Hermione.

"I just don't know if Hermione likes me or if she just agreed because she wanted to be nice"

"Really?" Ron burst out laughing, which sounded really weird with his nose sealed. See that right there, you just narrated what just happened, why? I don't know what you mean. Ugh. "That's your problem? Dude, Hermione likes you, I think she's liked you since 2nd year. Did you just not see it?" Was it that obvious? I don't know, I only have your biased view of everything, the way you see Hermione and everything she does leaves a lot of things about her ambiguous, like whether she's more logical or emotional. What do you mean? Like a lot of the time she's smart and sensical and makes the right choice and is relatively objective in arguments, but other times she gets emotional about things and has a temper to rival Mrs. Weasley, I just chock it up to your mind still being a little in the 'girls are weird' stage of maturity. I really do that? Yeah, and can I please make one joke. No. Fine.

"Really? Well that's a relief for tomorrow." I'd say so, but you know this still is Ron Weasley you're talking to. It's better than my other options. Good point.

"And you do like Hermione?" I wish everyone could be in your mind, I've gotten better at being able to reverse your bias on things and seeing them how they really are compared to your mind is a riot, and of course Ron would know how head over heels you are for her, you'd kill someone if she was in danger.

"Er, well yeah, I guess." 'I guess' doesn't quite cover my view, 'willing to commit genocide for a rub' what no response? Oh right no jokes, sorry I have to work on this not saying thoughts out loud thing. Work on it now.

"Good, now go back to the common room and bring back Fred and George," No, our profits! Er, sorry... again, "I want to get them to find me a cure so I can get out of this damn bed"

"Alright, see you later Ron"

"Bye" Well that didn't turn out too bad. You expected it to turn out bad? Cynical remember, or would that be pessimist? Never mind, and since you've seen to dictate my life now, what do you want me to do? I don't dictate your life, I dictate my life, we are the same person after all. But you aren't Harry Potter and I'm not Harry Potter, you're the emotions and the control of the body, and since Harry Potter is more emotional than logical, he is controlled by his emotions, with his logic giving input. That isn't how it works. But that's how you think it works and your mind just decided to do it, his Emotion, I'm Logic. Great, now I've got multiple personality disorder now. Possibly, but let's do our homework and get to sleep. What, can't we do it after we get back from Hogsmeade? You won't do it then, especially because of the date, now finish it and get to bed, you have a big day tomorrow. I guess I do.

**Alright first off, thank you for reading the first chapter of this fic, I hope you all enjoyed reading this.**

**First off again, like in my other fic, I do have characters curse when they wouldn't in canon, but like I said in that, I do it to get across emotion better, and because they only don't curse, at least in my view, because it's ultimately a childrens' book and won't have fuck or shit in it.**

**If you guys want I can cut out that whole spiel about emotion and logic from the final paragraph, it's kind of poorly written in my opinion and I'd be fine with removing it.**

**Most of my jokes that I use for Logic are bad, I know, and he's an asshole, I know, but that's the way he's supposed to be, emotion; especially Harry Potter's emotion, would be relatively warmhearted and generally not good with girls, yet would also be decisive, even if he's wrong, so he'd be given control yet would mess up, and because of all this, logic would be mean spirited to get emotion's attention, which is why he tells jokes, and be able to help Harry get through his problems. But again, you guys could just ask and I'd remove that whole thing about Emotion and Logic.**

**Anything else I missed or messed up just tell me and I'll fix it as best as I can.**

**For the schedule of this and the Gravity Falls fic just ask and I'll respond.**

**Also, final thing, oh my God I wrote 4,064 words in one sitting, new fucking record.**

**Another thing, I'm sorry that the talking between Emotion and Logic is difficult, I originally had different font colors for it to help differentiate it but wouldn't let that happen, sorry.**

**(Garrett stop adding final notes, it's getting as idiotic as having more than one Final Fantasy) And FYI I plan on having this be shorter than my Gravity Falls fanfic, and then once it's finished I'll focus my full time on Gravity Falls again and when I have time I'll work on a sequel series to this one.**

**Hope you all liked it.**

**-IC**


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